Monday, August 16, 2010

Losing Ourselves & Soul Searching

Hello friends, Ash here.

So in these past few months I have been a terrible blog post updater, and I apologize profusely for that. You see, a lot of things have been going on in Ash's life that has forced her to be MIA and distracted and such. I figured now would be a good time to blog some of these things off my chest, get 'er out in the open and explain a bit of why I've been internet absent. Step 1 (or 3.. or 6...) of coping, dealing, and accepting hardships of life.

Lets travel back a few months (ok, 5 months.. Has it really been that long!? Dear god...). I was laid off, as you all know from a previous post a while back. I STILL have no job, things kind of gotten in the way of that and took priority. But don't worry, I'm on EI right now so that is tiding me over for the time being.

Within the last couple months, I had to deal with a LOT of stress at once. The job loss was the beginning, and then I found out my parents were separating. That was a shocker, I mean these things don't happen  when you're 23 years old. But I mean, I knew they were having problems. It was a very hard thing to deal with and still is at times, but it's getting better. My mom moved away from home and I finally took the long drive to see them (separately), which was hard, but I'm glad I did it. Like I said, this situation is slowly getting better (or I'm just getting used to it), and I know it is for the best right now.

Enter anxiety. I've been dealing with anxiety for a while now, and this all has affected it in a really bad way. The anxiety skyrocketed and I was having the worst panic attacks (almost had to go to the hospital) which was SCARY as hell. Thank god I have an AMAZING friend who has gone through this same ordeal and has been my 'coach' through all of this. I honestly have no idea what I would have done or where I would be right now if it weren't for this person. Anxiety is something I've been dealing with for a while, but it has never been this bad or scary. He finally convinced me to talk to my doctor about it (something I had never even thought about doing, possibly because I was ashamed or figured I could deal with this on my own). And yes I am not on medication for it and it HAS been helping (was rocky to start and I had to switch medications and dosage, etc a few times, but now I think we're on track).

Next was issues with the boyfriend. We have been together for almost 5 years and the last year or so has been kind of rocky and I'm sure we both realized it, but just never brought it up. We had a huge talk a few weeks ago and then recently we decided that a break up is the best thing for us. Something I never really thought would happen, but when I realized that neither of us were happy then it was time to do something about it, something needed to change. This didn't feel healthy anymore and I know we were both hurting because of it. I won't go into detail, but basically this will be best for both of us. I know it was a huge stress load for me and adding a lot of anxiety.

All in all, now is the time I need to do some serious soul searching. In these last few months I feel like I've lost myself and I need to find her again. I haven't felt like myself a lot lately, but now is the time to do something about it and start building myself back up again. I know I won't be the same person I was, but I'm hoping that I will be a better person because all of this. What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger, right? Right now I'm currently in the process of moving (found a place - thank god I have the most wonderful landlords in the WORLD. Gave me a steal of a deal on a place in another building they manage), so we'll be out by the end of the month. I know it's going to be hard, but hopefully after it's all done and over with I'll be able to focus on myself and get my head on straight. I'll be starting school on Sept 20th (which is creeping up WAY too fast...) so I'm hoping to be all settled in, with a part time job, and able to concentrate again by that time.

I'm taking things one day at a time and trying to deal with them as they come. Baby steps. You can't overload yourself or you will go crazy. Bat them off one at a time and it will make the rough road a little smoother to drive on. You'd rather be driving over potholes and bumps opposed to crashing into a tree.

I think one of the reasons for this post was to let anyone out there know who may be going through hard times that there IS sunshine through the clouds and darkness. There IS blue sky over the horizon and that everyone deserves to be happy. As hard as things may seem, they will get better, even if you have to give yourself a little push or force yourself to realize things you'd rather not. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm pretty sure it's coming my way. It has to.


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